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No longer in service.
08.22.05 (6:11 am)   [edit]
This blog has been deleted.
 
Corporate America
05.12.05 (8:14 am)   [edit]
I am so sick of businesspeople. I looked online to find a company that can register a foreign LLC in California. I found a company's website that specifically stated they offer that service. So I called them. The guy on the phone said "We don't offer that service." In a totally friendly and professional manner I said "Oh. You need to update your website then, because it lists that service as one of the ones you offer." In a totally unfriendly and unprofessional manner he said "Maybe you should just call someone else," and then he hung up. I can't really get mad at him because I'm sure he is an unhappy little man in a cubicle somewhere. He is Corporate America.
 
Demotion
05.09.05 (11:42 am)   [edit]
K didn't get fired after all. He got promoted, and was given my office. I think I was demoted, but I'm being paid the same and I don't really care which office I have, so I don't really feel demoted. I showed one of my co-workers (E) Strong Bad's email "Dullard" which is an exact portrayal of our boss, as well as my various reactions when he talks to me. E is now hooked and is going to start checking the homestarrunner site each Monday morning for the new email.

We're going to Sedona this weekend for our one-year anniversary. We were going to go to Mexico, but Rocky Point is about the farthest we could drive since we only have a day, and it doesn't have the best reputation. C has been there and he thinks our car would probably be stolen. So, Sedona it is. I've never been there either so I'm excited. I've been looking up hiking trails. We won't be able to go rock climbing, but we'll have time to go on a hike.

I can't believe I've been married a year. It went really fast. We don't fight as much as we did at first. In fact, we haven't fought for quite awhile. They say the first year is the hardest, so hopefully it's uphill from here.

We paid $80 for gas on Saturday. Not the smartest time for a road trip. Oh, well.
 
Firing the Silent One
05.04.05 (5:06 am)   [edit]
I guess K is receiving a severance check today. I think it's preemptive to his quitting anyway. In a way I am glad because though he is a nice guy, he is quite boring, never talks, and is not funny. He doesn't add much to the office and I have a feeling people will barely notice he is gone. I've tried to draw him out in conversation a few times and it is like pulling teeth. Just a really quiet, introverted person I think.

There are HUGE black crawly beetles all over Scottsdale. I saw one at Safeway, a bunch on the tennis court, a few at the rock climbing gym, and they're everywhere outside. They're really gross when they get squished, oozing mustard colored insides.

My friend gave me a gift she didn't want to regift to my mother for Mother's Day. It's something my mom will really like, so I'm glad to do it. I wonder though, what I will say if she asks me details about where/how I got it. Do I admit a friend that didn't want it gave it to me? Do I give her fuzzy generalities and confuse her? I wouldn't outright lie and tell her "Oh I bought it here in Arizona at one of those little places. When I saw it, I immediately thought of you." Usually I forget Mother's Day entirely, so she'll probably just be happy to get anything.

I'm practicing the organ tonight. I have to play in front of the whole congregation at church on Sunday and I'm getting pretty nervous. I'm sure I will have the shaky hands, which makes it hard to play. I think I'm the only person under the age of 60 who plays the organ.
 
I am not a secretary.
04.28.05 (5:20 am)   [edit]
I am head administrative assistant, and a paralegal. So why is it that my boss told me "Pick your favorite restaurant. We're taking you out for Secretary's Day." I have never before been called a secretary. Is it because we don't have a secretary, so I end up answering the phones? Is the person who answers the phone automatically the secretary? Of course, I'm not going to turn down the lunch. I'm just not very happy to find out everyone sees me as a secretary. Maybe I should start acting like a secretary and refuse to draft legal documents. All I will do is answer phones and greet customers. However, would I then have to take a pay cut? Would I have to start making a secretary's wages? It is quite a dilemma indeed.

I guess it's possible that they're lumping my job into secretary's day because there is no Administrative Assistant day. The whole idea of a Secretary's Day is pretty lame anyway. Why is that the only job that gets its own day. I think it's because secretaries hate their jobs so much that they need to be given one day to feel appreciated.

I wonder if the Secretary of State is being taken out to lunch today.
 
Casting Call
04.22.05 (10:05 am)   [edit]
We are seeking actors for the following positions, which will be cast for the preceding One Act PLay:

K

The Boss

Me


Actors trying out for the role of K will need to be 20-23 years of age and possess a nerdy accountant intern look. Please wear a bow tie.

Actors trying out for the role of The Boss should be 38-45 years of age. Your appearance does not matter. Wear a pink polo shirt if you want - you can because you are the boss. You must be able to be convincing as a self-possessed, arrogant, egotistical business professional.

Actresses trying out for the role of Me will need to be 22-27 years of age and dress in professional business attire. You must be ridiculously good looking to try out for this part.

Anyone interested in trying out for these parts should contact our offices in Los Angeles. Casting will begin April 28, 2005.
 
One Act Play
04.19.05 (9:35 am)   [edit]
Characters: Me, the Boss, K (accounting intern)

Setting: My office, 10:40 A.M.


ACT ONE


K: Will you show me how to mail this package?

Me: Sure. We need to weigh it to find out how much postage it needs.

Boss: You don't need to weigh it. It will be 83 cents.

Me: I'm pretty sure it's heavier than that. I think we should weigh it.

Boss: Trust me. I KNOW it's 83 cents. I've mailed a lot of packages in my day.

Me: I still think we should check to be sure.


Me walks into the room with the postage scale. K comes with Me. The Boss follows follows.


Boss: I want to be there to see the look on your face when it's 83 cents.


K places the letter on the scale and it reads $1.57

Me fights to keep the look of smug satisfaction off her face. The Boss looks like a complete idiot, and tries to find a way to make this all Me's fault. He is unsuccessful.


THE END.
 
The end of rejection.
04.14.05 (6:40 am)   [edit]
And then one of them told me they're interested. He didn't just want to see a proposal, either. He wanted the full manuscript. As far as I'm concerned, I've done my part. Great query letter, sucked one of them in. Now if he doesn't want it, it's the author's fault. I know I wouldn't pay fifty cents for this book, but there are probably a lot of people out there who would, so there's a chance for publication.

Last night I decided that I hate Nordstrom. I never liked it, but a few weeks ago my boss gave me a gift card as a bonus to use to buy professional work clothes. I've been several times and even though it's not my money and I have a gift card, I just can't bring myself to spend that much money on clothes. I'll spend 20 bucks for something I like, but $250? That's a little out of control. And that's $250 for the jacket - you don't want to know how much it would cost to get the pants that match.

The prices aren't the only thing I hate about Nordstrom. I hate the salesgirls who insist on "starting a room for you" and then they watch you with their overly decorated eyes and as soon as you have something in your hand they swoop down and snatch it to add it to the room they started for you. Then when you try something on they hover. The hover is quite obnoxious. They tell you several times that if you need a different size to let them know. Last night the girl stood right outside my door. I felt trapped and for a minute I couldn't breathe. Ok, that didn't happen. But regardless, I didn't buy any of their overpriced clothes. I found out I can use the gift card at Nordstrom Rack, so for all intents and purposes, I will never have to go to Nordstrom again.
 
Praxis the Outside User
04.13.05 (10:12 am)   [edit]
Ah, the anonymity of being an outstide user. You can come to my blog and comment with absolutely no worry of hearing my response. Well, here it is in case you visit again, Praxis. I thought I would group them together to save you trouble and wasted effort.

I agree that watching TV is dead time. I also agree that my time at work often feels like dead time. If it weren't for that paycheck... However, compared to half the population which watches tv every night all night or plays computer games for 8-hour blocks of time - i think watching one half our show one time and thinking it's funny isn't so terribly bad.

Anyone who thinks I worship movie stars is assuming - and you know what that does... I am quite baffled that you didn't pick up on the irony that was present in my formula for how to get comments on my blog. But then, I guess you can't teach an old dog irony.

Though it's possible that the literary agents' responses were just mirroring my apathy, it's more likely that they think the very idea is as stupid as I do.

I play the organ and the piano, and care more about music than cars. That doesn't change the fact that I'm glad to finally be driving one that has paint.

More than anything, your comments were humorous because they ratified pretty much everything I've written on my blog. Maybe it was intentional. I'll assume so.
 
The Office
04.13.05 (7:32 am)   [edit]
This show is hilarious. It's so refreshing to have something genuinely funny on TV. It almost makes me want to rescind my blog's name. Almost.

I'm wondering if other people think The Office is as hilarious as I do. Michael, the boss, is so much like my annoying boss (except my boss isn't funny. just annoying) and the whole show reflects my work environment, so maybe that's why it's so funny to me.

If you haven't seen it yet check out http://www.nbc.com/The_Office...
 
Literary Agents and Why They Suck
04.12.05 (2:25 pm)   [edit]
Not for us. Good luck with your project.

Sorry, not for me. Wish you luck.

I think I have clocked an 8-word max on the rejections I have received from literary agents. I don't take it personally, because it's not my book it's just my job and I get paid the same either way. Well, supposedly I get a big bonus if it gets published, but since I don't think it has a chance, I'm not exactly counting the interest accrued on said bonus.

Granted, thus far I have only received rejections to queries I have sent via email. It is possible that the queries I am sending by regular mail may receive a more substantial rejection. I think they will take into the account that I included a SASE (self-addressed stamped envelope, for those of you not "in the business" of rejection) and they will be forced either ethically or sympathetically to include a nice little rejection - not lengthy, but surely more than 8 words.

I've yet to see if my boss will want to open these rejections himself, or let me do the work, as I've done the work so far that is needed to publish this self-help find your purpose masterpiece. In case you were thinking about asking me to send you a manuscript because you like self-help books - trust me. It's the same as all the other self-help find your purpose books at every bookstore, so just go buy a used one for less than a dollar and then proceed to discover your life's purpose at the discounted price.

If I were a literary agent, or was one of the grunts they surely hire to read all these queries, I would at least give the sender a few tips, or tell them why it's not for us. I would prefer to receive scathing criticism than an apathetic 8-word rejection.
 
Lots of Bacon
04.11.05 (6:38 am)   [edit]
Kevin Bacon is a very small man. Tiny. He's probably 5'5" and really petite. I was ushering for his tribute and he walked past me in a slow moving crowd so I touched his arm and said "I'm touching Kevin Bacon. Touching him." He laughed and said "Touching....touching." It was quite funny. He was wearing a leather jacket and looked like he had just stepped out of Footloose or Flatliners.

At the film festival I saw one great film and a lot of mediocre or bad ones. The great one was a Canadian French film called "La Face Cachee de la lune", or in English "The Dark Side of the Moon". I loved it. The main actor is a well known playwrite in Canada - it was fun to hear the thick Quebecois accent. It was original and creative, had great dialogue, was well written and cast.

We also saw "Never Been Thawed" which I was excited about due to the hype. Supposedly it's the next Napoleon Dynamite, only darker, crude and offensive. After seeing it, I agree that it's dark, crude and offensive but I wouldn't call it the next Napoleon Dynamite. I guess whoever wrote that just saw that both movies are about "dorks" and classed them together. "Never Been Thawed" was a clever idea - a mockumentary about people who collect frozen entrees. There were some funny lines, but for the most part it sucked and I hated it. I fell asleep even, and I never fall asleep in movies. It was too much a copy of Christopher Guest's style, without the talent or real humor. It felt like they were trying too hard, and it also seemed like their only goal was to offend and annoy the audience. Possibly 13-year-olds will get a kick out of this movie. Unfortunately.
 
Happy Endings
04.08.05 (6:49 am)   [edit]
We were ushers at the opening event of the film festival last night, which was a tribute and screening of Happy Endings. We stood near the VIP line and directed people. It was funny to see all the nasty women dressed up fancy and showing way too much flabby skin, wearing their obviously uncomfortable heels all night.

There were extra seats for the film so we went in. They were doing a tribute to Tom Ortenberg of Lion Gate Films which was so lame. The interviewer asked the stupidest questions ever and kept repeating himself and all they talked about was the marketing/commercial side of film. Consider your audience, people. None of us care about marketing or how much you make when we buy tickets to independent films.

Tom Arnold presented an award. When I was a kid I remember thinking Tom Arnold was really annoying. Probably because he only played the parts of really annoying guys. Last night he seemed like a really funny, nice guy. He had the most serious role in the movie and did an excellent job. I didn't expect to like the movie based on what I'd read and the movie poster which makes it look like it's going to be porn. I really liked it though. It was funny and intelligent and well made.

Tonight is the big "to do" with Kevin Bacon, but we're assigned to a booth in the big white welcome center tent. After our shift there are several films or shorts we can choose from. Haven't decided. I didn't get much sleep last night so that might sway my decision.
 
Phoenix Film Festival
04.05.05 (11:43 am)   [edit]
I signed up to volunteer for the Phoenix Film Festival. The main reason was to get the free pass to see all the films and shorts but they require 20 volunteer hours so there won't be a lot of time left over to watch the films.

That's ok though because I'm totally going to meet Kevin Bacon. I guess he has a rock band with his brother called "The Bacon Brothers" (hmmm... that's creative) They're playing Saturday night. I think I'll miss that one.

I'm quite disappointed because all the films that look really good are playing at times I can't go. Ah, well. Maybe I'll stumble upon a great that I've never heard of. Tomorrow night I'll be an usher and get to sit in on Kevin Bacon's directing debut "Loverboy." I'll let you know if it's any good.
 
Morning Mac 'N Cheese
04.05.05 (9:11 am)   [edit]
I arrived at work this morning while it was still dark, promptly at 6 a.m. Strangely, the office smelled distinctly of macaroni and cheese. My boss had just finished eating a Lean Cuisine mac 'n cheese meal. It made me want to throw up. I feel that this is the equivalent of drinking vodka at 6 a.m. It's really gross and surely unhealthy. Macaroni and cheese any time is pretty disgusting, but at the crack of dawn? He's pushed the envelope this time.

Today I couldn't page him because his phone was off the hook so I went to his office and said "Your phone is off the hook. I can't speaker in." He said "No, it's not!" then he looked at it and said "It's not off the hook. The speaker phone is on." Idiot.

Last night I went to a few dealerships with my husband and my father so he could test drive a few cars he's thinking about buying. The salesman was a really nice guy and after we spoke with him awhile, we found out he's a professional piano and organ player and instructor, but couldn't make enough money to support his family so he had to get a job selling cars. Now he works all day every day at a job he probably hates. Why can't he survive making beautiful music? Society dictates his income and society doesn't care about musical talent that doesn't fit into the American Idol category. Society cares much more about fancy cars.
 
Mail Paranoia
04.04.05 (5:38 am)   [edit]
I arrived at work at 6 A.M. sharp, as usual. No matter when I leave my house, I always get here right at 6. If I leave a few minutes early, traffic is worse or maybe I subconsciously drive slower so I don't get to work early. 6 A.M. is early enough to be getting to work. 5:57 A.M. sounds ridiculous.

Today I walked in at 6 and my boss handed me several letters and asked me to mail them. At most offices, this consists of setting them in a pile to wait for the mailman, or maybe sticking them in the outgoing mail slot of our mailboxes just outside the door. But not my boss, oh no. Mail has to be driven several blocks to the official U.S. Post Office mailbox. I do this every day at 3 or 4 P.M. but this particular mail contained a bank deposit so he wanted me to deliver it right away. I got back into my car and drove to the mailbox.

I found myself wondering if his accounts are low or something, but I doubt it. I think he's just paranoid and a little crazy, so I thought - the only way this would make sense is if this deposit is $50,000 + so I held the letter up to the light and could see that it was about a $1,700 deposit. Now, really. Insisting that a $1,700 deposit is taken to the mail at 6 A.M.? I find that stupid.
 
Pizza Implosion
03.31.05 (11:28 am)   [edit]
I ate 2 huge pieces of leftover pizza for lunch and I think I'm going to implode.

I might get a job at the rock climbing gym. That way, both my husband and I can climb for free. Since I know the owners and all the managers, I think they'll let me work just one night per week. Even if they only pay me minimum wage, I'm saving about $100 per month in not buying memberships. The best would be if I could always work the night my friend who works there is working. That would be a really sweet deal. She's moving out east in a few months and I won't be able to climb with her anymore, so if I'm not working there, I'll probably stop climbing and that's not a very bright outlook.

Now that the art show is over, I'll have a little more time on my hands and could handle working one night a week. They might want me to work a Saturday every now and then. I could handle that. They're pretty good about giving time off. They gave my husband two full weeks off for the honeymoon when we got married.

I wish my husband was still working there. I miss being able to go whenever I had the urge. But if he can't, I'm willing. The only issue is... if I have 3 jobs and he has 0, it might bother me even more that he doesn't have a job. Maybe he can find a job where he's working the same night(s) I am. I'm sure once he's not so busy with school he'll get a job.
 
Can you repeat that one more time please?
03.30.05 (11:36 am)   [edit]

Rather than come approach us to tell us something, my boss prefers instant messaging. If he was a normal person, it would be fine. But he's not. Here's an example of what he just wrote me. (Names have been replaced for ambiguity's sake.)


[13:42] ME: are they going to be their own stat agents? will the registered office be ours or theirs? [13:43]


THE BOSS: US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - US - $125 Each Annually !!! - [13:43]


THE BOSS: oops, the keys got stuck :-) [13:44] ME: i was wondering... [13:44]


THE BOSS: Accidently stuck on purpose TODAY: [13:42]


THE BOSS: Hooyah !!!! [13:42]


THE BOSS: Persistence [13:43]


THE BOSS: You were steady as the snail and now you are soaring like an eagle


My question to THE BOSS. Could you be more annoying?
 
lazy lazy lazy.... and fat
03.28.05 (10:12 am)   [edit]
Here at the office, there's a funny little anomaly. Well, more annoying than funny.

All of the filing cabinets are in my boss's office. Every time without fail, he opens the mail, walks down the hall to my office and hands me anything that needs filed. So I walk into his office and stick it in the filing cabinet and walk back to my office. If it were large stacks of papers that would be time consuming for him to file, I would understand. But this is never the case. We are a very small firm, and it is always one paper, maybe two. It definitely takes him more time to walk to my office and hand it to me than it would to just stick it in the file.

I'm not sure the cause of this. I need to do further research. It could be laziness, he could feel this task is beneath him, it could be habit. I will continue to observe this anomaly and document my findings.

I think if ever I quit I will wait for him to bring me something to file and then I will stand up on my desk and yell "DO IT YOURSELF!! I QUIT!!" That would be funny. And unexpected.
 
Earthquake
03.28.05 (8:06 am)   [edit]
I was just reading about this huge earthquake off the coast of Indonesia. I looked into it a bit and was shocked to see how many earthquakes occur each day. http://earthquake.usgs.gov/re...

It seems like half of them are in Alaska. One more reason NO ONE in their right mind would ever want to live in Alaska.

Is it weird of me to all of a sudden be concerned about the state of the earth's core? Probably. I don't know much about tectonic plates or even if that's how it's spelled but the thought of them moving, deep below the ocean's surface... it freaks me out.
 
Stop spitting in my food.
03.25.05 (7:03 am)   [edit]
I went to a lunch meeting yesterday with my boss and a client. Did any of you watch The Office last night? I caught a few minutes of it and it was hilarious. And the office manager guy - he is my boss, only thinner. Those of you who saw that show will have a good idea. Everyone else, just imagine the lamest, most annoying person ever and you'll be close.

At this lunch meeting, he kept telling lame, inappropriate jokes with his mouth full of food that kept shooting out. I could hardly eat. When he made a derogatory, sexist comment about women in general, making sure to clarify that I was included, it was the last straw. So I jumped across the table and strangled him until all the half-eaten food fell out of his mouth onto the floor and he slumped back in his chair as his eyes rolled to the back of his head. The waitress rushed over and was about to give him CPR, but I held up my glass and said, "Excuse me, miss. Before you resuscitate him, could you please fill my water glass?" She did, of course, not wanting to lose her tip.

I think I was just in a bad mood because I had just heard Billy Idol singing "Scream" and that song always puts me in a crap mood.
 
Unfunny
03.23.05 (8:24 am)   [edit]
I have recently been asked why I haven't been regularly adding new entries. I'll tell you why. It's because my life at present is boring and uneventful, especially during the week. Same thing every day, nothing funny or interesting happening. I don't interact with anyone who is even slightly amusing at work. After work, I go to my second job where I scratch at the tent walls for amusement. I read while I'm there, and I'm reading a great book, but it's not funny, and no one would care about the deep intellectual mysteries I'm gleaning from it. Or that I would glean, if I was so inclined.

My husband discovered Garreth's blog and told me "Your blog is pretty funny, but the stuff that Garreth guy writes - now THAT'S funny." And I agreed. That's another reason I haven't been adding new entries - if I only have a minute, I'd rather spend it checking Garreth's blog than adding to my own.

I'm sure there are other factors that should be considered. For example, I've switched from Irish and Australian radio to political talk radio. I enjoy feeling informed, but I think it definitely adversely affects my humor and general mood. All I hear about all day is how stupid everyone is and everything that is wrong with the world. Maybe I should switch back to Ireland.

In any event, my life has become unfunny. And something must be done.
 
Hot wings
03.18.05 (9:59 am)   [edit]
We're going on a date with another couple tonight. They are addicted to hot wings and my husband is spawning a similar addiction. Thus far these outings haven't been a "date" as far as one couple paying for the others. It's been a financial free for all. I hadn't even considered one couple paying for the other as an option. The matter was brought up by another friend of mine. She and her husband have been officially asked out by another couple who invited to take them to dinner. "Our treat," they said. If that's not a date, I don't know what is. And it scares me.
 
Ceid meile failte!
03.17.05 (7:15 am)   [edit]
I'm listening to an Irish radio station online which is covering the St. Patrick's Day parades there. It's unfortunate that there are no St. Patrick's Day parades here in Phoenix. Though, actually, if there were I wouldn't be able to go anyway since I have to work all day.

I played tennis again last night. I guess I'm improving slightly, but not much. It's a frustrating sport when you're playing with someone who plays really well. I'm going rock climbing tonight and that will be more fun since I'm decent at it. For anyone who climbs, I climbed a 5.11 last week for the first time. That was exciting.

My boss is out buying some cactus for his backyard. I guess I should say "some cacti" for plural. Even people here in the desert always say that incorrectly. I hate them either way. One attacked me not long ago and I had about 548 tiny little cactus needles in my leg and I tried to remove them and ended up getting them all in my hand. It was quite painful.
 
I am NOT 36 years old
03.16.05 (10:41 am)   [edit]
According to blogthings dot com I am 36 years old. They have a blog quiz entitled "What Age Do You Act" where you answer a bunch of questions and from your answers they determine how old you are. Do I really act ten years older than I am? I hope not.

I would appreciate anyone who has a moment to go to their site and find out how old you act. Let me know if it's accurate or if you're 36 years old, too.